Sunday, January 20, 2013

This battle is never-ending, and I am no warrior...

Last week, my first week back to committed calorie counting and exercise, I lost four pounds.  This week, even with proper calorie counting and exercise, it has started to go up.

This is why I eventually give up.  I do not expect the fat to just melt away, but as I continue to work on it, I at least expect it to stay the same not go back up.  I understand muscle weighs more than fat, but there is no way I am gaining this much muscle.

I am 27.  I am 211 pounds.  My father is dropping tons of weight, and is only 12 pounds more than me...soon I will weigh more than my father.  In just over nine months, I am getting married, and am taking a 14 hour flight to Hawaii.  I do not want to sit in a seat, where I can't put the armrest down, where my thigh rubs against the neighbor next to me no matter how hard I try to sit closer to Nick, four 14 hours.

WHY is it so hard for my body to accept weight loss?  Why when I try so hard, does my body fight back.  I am SO TIRED of this.  I have been fighting with this for over a year now.  And I am so tired...and I hate my body.

When Nick puts his arm around me in bed, I suck in my stomach, when he touches my thigh, I think about how fat it is....I hate my body.  I am 27 and I have NEVER in my life, except early youth, loved my body, or how I looked.

I will NEVER forget the first time someone called me fat, or said my thighs were fat.  I was in 4th or 5th grade...and you know what?  Karma doesn't hit those people, she is now the girlfriend and mother of the child of a GREEN BAY PACKER!!!!!  That my friends, just proves that karma doesn't exist.  That girl will be set up for life.  And when I was young, she made me look at my body in a horrible way.  And I've never stopped looking at it that way since.

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