I miss her so much....

This is a non-weight related post.

As my wedding day approaches, I find that I am missing my grandmother more than anything.  I would trade every last bit of my wedding just to have her back.  I feel like she's missing.  I wasn't even engaged when she passed away.

I was never the little girl imagining her wedding day.  It had never been a thought in my mind.  Sure, I wanted to get married, but I didn't have it all planned out.  But I guess the one thing I had always pictures, was always sure of, is that I'd be able to share that day with my grandmother.

And now I'm not.  I try and try to feel her spirit, to remind myself that she's watching, that she knows, but I just don't feel her.  I want to hear her voice again.  I want her to see my dress, my ideas.  I want a photo with her when I'm all dressed up.  I don't have that.  I won't have that.  It breaks my heart.

I cry about her at least twice a week, and it's been almost a year.  I thought the pain would go away after a while.  Sure I don't cry every day anymore, but it's still frequent enough.

There isn't really a point to this post, other than that I needed to get this all out.  I'm empty without her and I don't talk about it to anyone.  I'm sure we all miss her.  She was an amazing lady.  I just really, really miss her.

Three Week Progress Report

In three weeks, I've lost an average of 1.2 pounds per week.  It doesn't sound like much, it honestly doesn't feel like much, but looking at the long term of it, if I continue on this path, I'll be at 185 by my wedding, and that is something I can be happy with.

Could I have done better these past three weeks?  Sure.  If I had been 100% strict with myself, and let's face it, I do that, and I go crazy and go completely off the wagon.

So what's worked?  My daily check off box for one.  I just mark of each day, write how many steps I've gotten in per day, and how I've felt I've done with food.  Good, bad, okay, can I do better.  And then I do it all over again the next day.  One day at a time seems to keep me in check.

I've also only weighed myself once a week, before I was doing it several times a week, and when I lost well it was great, but if I had gained back some of that I'd be disappointed in my smaller weight loss.  Once a week seems to be helping.

What I'm worried about is that the other day in the city, while trying to run to Union Station to catch my express train back to the suburbs, I twisted my already sore ankle.  So I'm not sure how well I'll do at walking this week, not to mention it's supposed to rain a ton this coming week anyway.

The more I walk, the more my left ankle hurts even before I twisted it.  I have severely pronated feet and so of course there's not much I can do other than a good orthodic.  I may just have to get up at 6 am and get on the bike at the clubhouse.  I dunno.

Anyway, that's my progress so far.

The little engine that could...

Week one done of my 25 week wedding countdown.

Day 167.

There is something to be said about the power of positive thinking.  As someone who nearly failed all science classes in high school I was terrified of the anatomy class I was going to have to take to pass massage therapy school.  But I was determined that I had to pass it, and I had to pass it at 100%.  That's right.  I told myself that I would get 100% on every test.  And guess what?  I did.  Well, in truth I missed two test dates so one was automatically docked 10% and I ended up with a 98% in the class but still.  I call that success.  I aimed high and far exceeded my true expectations of myself.

And yet this weight loss thing is a killer.  I never last tracking more than a week and half, and get derailed, only to put myself right back on plan after I've gained some of the hard earned weight loss back.  I'm more or less torturing myself.  Or it could be self sabotage.  I'm honestly not sure anymore.

That being said, I have 167 days until my wedding.  Which also means I'm not far off from my honeymoon in Hawaii, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be uncomfortable in my body by then.

So...I made a countdown calendar.  I truly am trying to take this one day at a time.  My food choices haven't been 100% but I haven't been horrible and I'm getting better.  I'm tracking everything so that's good.  I've done this for a week, I'm going to do it for the next 20 something weeks.  I am going to succeed.  I will reach my goal weight (174 for the wedding, I don't expect to get down to 151 in six months).

I am walking more (at least an hour a day on my horrendously long lunch break), and have worked out a few times this week too.

Keep me positive people.  If I can do this, albeit slowly, anyone can do this.  Let's do it together!

~Shannah, Current weight: 214.6 at last Monday's weigh in.  Size 16.

PS
Does ANYONE ever read this???  What can I do better?  I know I haven't posted pictures or anything.  Someone let me know if they're reading.  I'd love to know that I'm not just talking to myself.

When the horse knocks you off, you just keep getting back on...

I've been "dieting" on and off for over a year now...close to a year and a half, and I've been blogging for just as long.  I've tried a few things, had ups, and downs, but I keep trying.

That has to say something for me and my determination, even if I'm not always good about keeping food out of my mouth.

Lately, I've had a few people either tell me I'm looking skinnier, or ask if I've lost weight.  I in fact, have gained weight, and my engagement ring proves it by fitting a little tight.  I'm honestly not sure what to think.  When I was down 40 pounds and nobody had noticed it made me sad.  I had worked so hard, and nobody could tell?  I know it shouldn't be about what other people think, but we all want that reassurance that what we're doing is working.

I have 173 days starting tomorrow until my wedding.  I want to go on my honeymoon feeling accomplished, and just maybe a tad bit less cramped on that plane!

I made and printed a countdown calendar.  One day at a time, just stay on my points (weight watchers) and get some exercise, one day at a time.